Ask Amy: Emotional affairs the new infidelity - The Sudbury Star ...

By AMY DICKINSON

Updated 1 day ago

Dear Amy: My spouse developed a telephone addiction to a childhood friend. This relationship has been going on for several years but my husband has never mentioned it to me.

I learned of this by accident from a friend of the family. When I approached him, he down-played it as minimal casual contact. Later, he admitted he had a special connection with her and said they are in touch often. He also says they are "just friends" and refuses to cut ties with her and her family.

If they are "just friends," I cannot understand the total secrecy of this relationship (her husband was equally clueless). I am having a difficult time with this. It is as if they had conducted an intimate physical affair.

I am made out to be the villain by my husband and the other woman for demanding an end to it. I have been a faithful wife and do not know how to deal with this. What should I do? -- DEVASTATED WIFE

Dear Devastated: Judging from the contents of my inbox, emotional affairs are the new infidelity. I don't want to make it seem like these nonsexual affairs are some sort of fad-of-the- heart. They are very real, tangible and painful -- as your story illustrates.

Marriage is like a house built by two people; the house's function is to contain the intimate relationship. Your husband has opened a window onto this other relationship without your knowledge or consent.

I borrow the "open window" metaphor from the important book on this subject, Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity, by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli (2004, Free Press). The authors' research on infidelity shows that for many people, emotional infidelity is actually far worse than a sexual affair.

I agree that if he continues to maintain this secret and exclusive relationship it will seriously impair, if not destroy, your marriage.

Dear Amy: I can empathize with "Upset Mother," who lent her daughter money and has yet to be paid back.

I also lent my daughter money, which she never repaid. On her birthday, Christmas and other special occasions, her gift is a "coupon" for a certain value amount toward the loan. We will do this until the loan is paid off. She needs to learn that this is her responsibility. -- SOLVENT MOTHER

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